Fall

The weather is changing. I love this time of year. The leaves falling and the weather turning cold. Something about it all fills me up and makes me take a deep breath. Almost a renewing aspect.
There is no better nor a more beautiful time than fall.

Funny how the preparing of the earth for it's deep sleep feels me and awakens me.

More thoughts of you

Been thinking about you today. You know, hunting season and all.
Thoughts of you have randomly been going through my head. Scenes replayed.
Wish I could hear your voice.
Well, I think I will ramble on right now. Just simply so I can pretend you are listening. But know it is so much better to hear your voice than mine.
I've actually gained some weight now. Booty looking a little better and my pants finally fit. Go figure.
How about you? You still dropping the pounds?
How are things for you? For some reason I think you may be stressed and a little too busy even for you.
Just know some one is thinking of you and wishing you all the happiness in the world.
Miss you.

Signs of the times to come.....

Seems life is full of vindictive people. Why? Why be that way? Seems to be a waste of time and money in my opinion. So sad that there are those that have to live this way.

Today is not a good day for me. Everything seems to be getting more and more stressful lately.
Try as I may, taking it one day, one moment at a time is getting difficult.

I will be very grateful when all is said and done.

I am mentally tired.

How much wood.....

How much wood would a wood whore chuck if a wood whore could chuck wood?



Man she really pisses me off. Why? Don't have a clue right now except maybe because I think she is so very stupid. She missed a very good and wonderful opertunity and now she has changed her mind and so on and so forth.



Well, we all suffer the consequences of our actions and she should be no different.



She is a day late and a dollar short and should just slither off into her own little troubled world and stay out of mine.



Did I mention I think she's a ----, whore, ding-dong?



Ok, now I feel better. :)

Headache of a day.

When in the process of running through the day, if for some reason my head doesn't explode by the end, I often find that I am some how happier than in the past.
Hours have changed, more relaxed....... until....... today!

Today I am having the biggest headache I have had in some time. I feel nervous, stressed, almost frantic.

Damn, I'm out of Tylenol.

Funny how the job can affect me in so many was.

Wonder if I can squeeze in a few days off before the end of the year. Doubtful, but so needed.

Some are so missed right now.

More thoughts of you

This mornings weather has brought with it new desires. A want if you will. To be lost in the woods somewhere with you wrapped in a blanket listening to you tell stories and share opinions. This is, after all, my favorite time of the year. And a wish to share some of that with you surely can not be that wrong.
Hope you are smiling. And hope you get to go hunting and escape the world.

Time

Sometimes life feels like it is caught in time. Moving so slowly. Snails pace.
This time often feels very lonely for me.
Like right now. Right this minute. Time is standing still. The second hand on the clock up on the wall is not even moving.
And in all the activity I feel very alone.

Thoughts

Sometimes, my mind, it is consumed with thoughts of you. And I wonder.....
Do you ever (ever) think of me?
This consumption is a problem with me. I do not understand it nor do I like it.
Why do I spend so much time thinking of you?
My thoughts are not always carnal in nature, which is what I would expect them to be, but rather blithe and captivating.
Never stoic or dark.
Perhaps I could accept my minds consumption of thoughts of you if they were all erotic or wanton. But they seem to bounce around and never settle.
They always wander.
They are of you and your life. Are you well? Are you happy? Please be smiling.
They are of the orgasmic butterflies I feel when I recall your hands.
I am concerned for you. I am happy for you. I am wanting of you. I am craving your voice.
And yet I know that if you were standing close by I would do every thing I could to control my yearnings to speak to you. To listen to your voice. To touch you.
So often I have dialed your number and not completed the call. Sometimes I think to hear your voice would be enough. But then when I do hear your voice, I know that it is not enough. As it always leaves me wanting more and never knowing what to say I lock my mouth and listen as you speak to others and I secretly take the words and cover myself in them.
Perhaps I am idiotic in my thoughts and feelings. But they are mine and they are me. And this I live with.

The Fairy Dance

Lost in the swirl of colors, feelings dance around like fairies in the moon light in the midst of an autumn rain.
Running and singing of all the delights of a summer gone and a winter to come.
Letting go of the old, welcoming in the new.
Dance fairies, dance. Sing fairies, sing.
Lift up my spirits and carry me off. Let all worries fall aside.
Faster and faster the colors whirl by. Farther and farther I drift.

The song

There is a corner in my cold black soul that sways with a song of adulation. The words are for one that has brought an ascension of learning of what suffering and tourture a frail heart can endure.
Tears flow to the beat and I lay my emotions on the altar of the drummer.

Dyspneic

Sturggling with the chains that confine, I lay here on the cold dank floor wondering why all I can see is the enigmatic air that suronds my soul. Letting my mind wonder off it tends to revolve around all the aphotic events in my life. Circling back again and again on the tourtous reminders of a past too bestial to face with out protection.
Unable to move away from the pictures that float to and fro in the hellish tomb that is my mind, I realize I struggle in vain.
My ears are deaffened with the sounds of the ages forgone. My eyes are blinded by air to heavy to breath. My limbs are usless tunks that can not move in any form to cover my naked scared body.
So I resign myself and observe all that I can not control. And allow the fact that there will be no respite to be the only friend my soul can feel.

Walls

I have grown weary of the troubles in my heart. Too many feelings run through as if there were no walls to stop them. This can not continue for me. I have grown too weary of this. Perhaps the walls need to be rebuilt. Stronger, higher, and thicker.

There is no understanding of these troubles that rule the heart. Only the desire to have them stopped.

There has to be some way to to plunge the heart into total darkness so that nothing can reach it, nothing can find it, and all that is seen, felt, heard, loved, lost, hated, will be safe.

Beautiful walls of stone and ice. Surround me completely and hide the light from my heart.

If

Insecurities still fly unctrolled through the veins of my life. I do not know how to control these issues that arise within me. If only for a few minutes they would go away and my mind would settle down to a dull roar. If only I could control the things in life I fear.

If only....
What if....

I wish.

Arms

Stumbling along life's path. Trying so hard to avoid the pit falls and snakes we encounter. Finding once in a while a cool place to stop and rest. But move on we must, no matter the cost. As one foot sets in front of the other, weather it be with glee or heavy heart, the path grows shorter but seems so long.
Once in a while a hand comes along for us to hold while we walk. How precious that time, how short in looking back. Wondering why we did not stop nor hold on more tightly. Will another hand take the place or will the path be lonely all the way?

My path has been fraught with many pit falls and way too many snakes to count. The hands that have held have been few and so very far between. And now, well now there are arms that surround me on my path. Holding me upright and helping me over the pot holes in the road. Pushing me up the mountains and holding tight coming back down.

How warm these arms are in the winters along the path. How cool and comforting these arms in the summers heat.

How precious the time I have had in these arms.

Always wondering, some times doubting, but always hoping. To be in them till the end.

Wishing to find a way to express how much these arms are needed. Wishing to find a way to express how loved they are. Needing to find a way to express how much they have meant along the path.

On flat roads, through gullies, and mountains high. The arms and hands and loving words from my Beloved have been with me and have meant more than the air that I breath. And how I wish that I could make him see, the way I feel.

I wish I could make him feel. The power in his arms. The security they bring and the meaning they have given me.

As the Crow Sings

Lines have been crossed. Boarders have been blurred. Walls have crumbled.
Hands have reached out. Arms have brought comfort. I have stumbled.

Words

Alas, there are not enough words. None with the deep meaning and feeling that I can say. No dictionary holds those words. And I am lost without a way to express them if I could.